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Much Ado About Nothing

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Act I, Scene I In front of Leonato’s House

Outside Leonato’s house in Messina. A messenger arrives ahead of Don Pedro of Aragon, who is returning from a successful military campaign. Leonato learns that Don Pedro has bestowed great honors on a young gentleman from Florence, Claudio, for his battlefield courage. Leonato’s niece Beatrice asks after “Signior Mountanto” (her mocking nickname for Benedick of Padua), whose military reputation she makes fun of in a series of jests. Leonato explains to the messenger that Beatrice and Benedick are always in a “merry war” of words.

Don Pedro arrives with his officers, including Claudio, Benedick, and his sullen, illegitimate brother Don John. Beatrice and Benedick immediately resume verbal sparring. After the company moves indoors, Claudio confides to Benedick that he has fallen in love with Hero. Don Pedro, returning, learns of it and proposes a scheme: he will attend the masked ball that evening disguised as Claudio, woo Hero in Claudio’s name, and then negotiate the match with Leonato. The scene ends with the two of them going off to put the plan in motion.

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Enter Leonato, Hero, and Beatrice, with a Messenger.
Leonato
I learn in this letter that Don Peter of Arragon comes this night to Messina.
This letter informs me that Don Pedro of Aragon will arrive in Messina tonight.
Messenger
He is very near by this: he was not three leagues off when I left him.
He is very close now: he was less than three leagues from Messina when I left him.
Leonato
How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
How many noblemen did you lose in the battle?
Messenger
But few of any sort, and none of name.
Very few, and no one important.
Leonato
A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers.
A victory is doubly sweet when everyone comes home alive.
I find here that Don Peter hath bestowed much honour on a young Florentine called Claudio.
The letter says Don Pedro has greatly honored a young man from Florence by the name of Claudio.
Messenger
Much deserved on his part and equally remembered by Don Pedro: he hath borne himself beyond the promise of his age, doing, in the figure of a lamb, the feats of a lion: he hath indeed better bettered expectation than you must expect of me to tell you how.
He deserved such honors, and Don Pedro noticed: Claudio has conducted himself far beyond what could be expected of someone his age, performing the deeds of a lion while still looking like a lamb. He has exceeded all expectations more completely than I am able to describe.
Leonato
He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much glad of it.
He has an uncle here in Messina who will be delighted to hear of this.
Messenger
I have already delivered him letters, and there appears much joy in him; even so much that joy could not show itself modest enough without a badge of bitterness.
I have already delivered the letters to him, and he is clearly very happy; so happy, in fact, that he did not look happy at all.
Leonato
Did he break out into tears?
Did he burst into tears?
Messenger
In great measure.
Profusely.
Leonato
A kind overflow of kindness: there are no faces truer than those that are so washed.
A natural overflow of feeling: no faces are more honest than those washed in tears of joy.
How much better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping!
How much better to weep out of happiness than to take pleasure in someone else’s tears!
Beatrice
I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no?
Tell me, has Signior Mountanto returned from the war or not?
Messenger
I know none of that name, lady: there was none such in the army of any sort.
I do not know anyone by that name, my lady; no-one in the army had any such name.
Leonato
What is he that you ask for, niece?
Who is it you are asking about, niece?
Hero
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
Messenger
O, he’s returned; and as pleasant as ever he was.
Oh, he is back, and as cheerful as ever.
Beatrice
He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged Cupid at the flight; and my uncle’s fool, reading the challenge, subscribed for Cupid, and challenged him at the bird-bolt.
He posted public notices here in Messina challenging Cupid to a long-distance archery contest; and my uncle’s fool, reading the notice, signed up on Cupid’s behalf and challenged him to a children’s-bow match instead.
I pray you, how many hath he killed and eaten in these wars?
Tell me — how many men has he killed and eaten in these wars?
But how many hath he killed?
Just how many has he actually killed?
for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing.
Because I promised to eat everyone he killed.
Leonato
Faith, niece, you tax Signior Benedick too much; but he’ll be meet with you, I doubt it not.
Truly, niece, you abuse Signior Benedick too much — but he will get even with you, I have no doubt.
Messenger
He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.
He served well in the war, my lady.
Beatrice
You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it: he is a very valiant trencherman; he hath an excellent stomach.
You had stale rations and he helped you eat them — that is all. He is a very brave eater with an excellent appetite.
Messenger
And a good soldier too, lady.
And a good soldier as well, my lady.
Beatrice
And a good soldier to a lady: but what is he to a lord?
A good soldier when measured against a lady, perhaps — but how does he stack up against a lord?
Messenger
A lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all honourable virtues.
A match for any lord, a man among men, filled with every honorable quality.
Beatrice
It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man: but for the stuffing,—well, we are all mortal.
Quite so. He is certainly full. Full of ... Well, we are all human.
Leonato
You must not, sir, mistake my niece.
Sir, you must not misunderstand my niece.
There is a kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her: they never meet but there’s a skirmish of wit between them.
There is a kind of playfight between Signior Benedick and her — they never meet without a battle of wits breaking out.
Beatrice
Alas! he gets nothing by that.
Poor Benedick — he gains nothing by that.
In our last conflict four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one: so that if he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between himself and his horse; for it is all the wealth that he hath left, to be known a reasonable creature.
In our last skirmish, four of his five faculties limped off the battlefield, and now he has just one left. If that single wit is enough to keep himself warm, let him display it as proof that he is more evolved than his horse. After all, the only thing he's got going for himself is being known as a rational creature.
Who is his companion now?
Who does he associate with these days?
He hath every month a new sworn brother.
He takes a new blood brother every month.
Messenger
Is’t possible?
Is that possible?
Beatrice
Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat; it ever changes with the next block.
Very easily — his loyalty is like his hat: it changes with every new fashion.
Messenger
I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.
I can see, my lady, that the gentleman is not in your good books.
Beatrice
No; an he were, I would burn my study.
No — and if he were, I would burn my library.
But, I pray you, who is his companion?
But tell me — who is he keeping company with?
Is there no young squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil?
Is there no young ruffian willing to go to Hell with him?
Messenger
He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
He spends most of his time with the most honorable Claudio.
Beatrice
O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently mad.
Good God, he will cling to him like a virus — he spreads faster than the plague, and anyone who catches him is immediately driven mad.
God help the noble Claudio! if he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere a’ be cured.
Heaven help noble Claudio! If he has caught the Benedick, it will cost him a fortune before he is cured.
Messenger
I will hold friends with you, lady.
I will stay on good terms with you, my lady.
Beatrice
Do, good friend.
Please do, good friend.
Leonato
You will never run mad, niece.
You will never go mad yourself, niece.
Beatrice
No, not till a hot January.
No — not until Hell freezes over.
Messenger
Don Pedro is approached.
Don Pedro is approaching.
Enter Don Pedro, Don John, Claudio, Benedick, and Balthasar.
Don Pedro
Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter it.
Good Signior Leonato, you have come out to meet trouble yourself — the way of the world is to avoid expense, yet here you walk straight into it.
Leonato
Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your grace: for trouble being gone, comfort should remain; but when you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness takes his leave.
Trouble has never visited my house wearing your Grace’s face — when ordinary trouble departs, comfort stays behind; but when you leave me, sorrow remains and happiness goes with you.
Don Pedro
You embrace your charge too willingly.
You accept this burden far too graciously.
I think this is your daughter.
I believe this must be your daughter.
Leonato
Her mother hath many times told me so.
Her mother has told me so on many occasions.
Benedick
Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?
Were you in doubt about it, sir, that you had to ask?
Leonato
Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.
Signior Benedick, no — for you were only a child at the time.
Don Pedro
You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this what you are, being a man.
You have the full riposte there, Benedick — we can judge from this what sort of man you are.
Truly, the lady fathers herself.
In truth, the young lady is unmistakably her father’s daughter.
Be happy, lady; for you are like an honourable father.
Be glad of it, my lady — you take after an honorable man.
Benedick
If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as like him as she is.
If Signior Leonato is indeed her father, she would not want his head on her shoulders for all of Messina — resembling him as closely as she does.
Beatrice
I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.
I wonder you still bother talking, Signior Benedick — nobody is paying attention to you.
Benedick
What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?
What — my dear Lady Disdain! Are you still alive?
Beatrice
Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick?
How could disdain ever die while it has such perfect nourishment as Signior Benedick?
Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come in her presence.
Courtesy itself must turn to contempt whenever you appear.
Benedick
Then is courtesy a turncoat.
Then courtesy is a traitor that switches sides.
But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none.
But I am certain that all ladies love me — you alone excepted — and I wish I could find it in my heart that my heart were not so hard; for truly, I love none of them.
Beatrice
A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor.
What a great relief for women — otherwise they would have been plagued with a dangerous suitor.
I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
I thank God and my cool temperament that I feel exactly the same way — I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear he loves me.
Benedick
God keep your ladyship still in that mind!
God keep your ladyship always in that frame of mind!
so some gentleman or other shall ‘scape a predestinate scratched face.
That way some gentleman or other will escape getting his face scratched.
Beatrice
Scratching could not make it worse, an ‘twere such a face as yours were.
Scratching could hardly make it worse, if it were a face like yours to start with.
Benedick
Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
Well, you are an exceptional teacher of parrots.
Beatrice
A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
A bird that speaks my language is worth more than a brute that speaks yours.
Benedick
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer.
I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue and the same stamina.
But keep your way, i’ God’s name; I have done.
But carry on, in God’s name — I am finished.
Beatrice
You always end with a jade’s trick: I know you of old.
You always finish with a tired horse’s trick — stopping when you have had enough. I know you of old.
Don Pedro
That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all.
That is the whole of it, Leonato. Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick — my dear friend Leonato has invited you both.
I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month; and he heartily prays some occasion may detain us longer.
I have told him we shall stay at least a month, and he earnestly hopes something will keep us here longer.
I dare swear he is no hypocrite, but prays from his heart.
I'm sure he's no liar, and genuinely means it.
Leonato
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn.
If you swear it, my lord, you will not be swearing falsely.
Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to the prince your brother, I owe you all duty.
Let me welcome you, my lord — now that you are reconciled with the Prince your brother, I owe you every courtesy.
Don John
I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank you.
I thank you — I am not a man of many words, but I thank you.
Leonato
Please it your grace lead on?
Would it please your Grace to lead the way?
Don Pedro
Your hand, Leonato; we will go together.
Give me your hand, Leonato — we will go in together.
Exeunt all except Benedick and Claudio.
Claudio
Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?
Benedick, did you take notice of Signior Leonato’s daughter?
Benedick
I noted her not; but I looked on her.
I paid her no special attention, but I did look at her.
Claudio
Is she not a modest young lady?
Is she not a modest young lady?
Benedick
Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?
Are you asking me as an honest man asks, wanting my plain and genuine opinion — or would you have me speak in my usual way, as a self-declared enemy of womankind?
Claudio
No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.
No — please speak your honest, sober opinion.
Benedick
Why, i’ faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little for a great praise: only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I do not like her.
Well, in all honesty, I find her too short for high praise, too dark for a fair complexion to be praised, and too small for great praise: the only commendation I can offer is that if she were any different, she would be ugly — and being exactly as she is, I still do not like her.
Claudio
Thou thinkest I am in sport: I pray thee tell me truly how thou likest her.
You think I am joking — please tell me sincerely how you find her.
Benedick
Would you buy her, that you inquire after her?
Are you shopping for her, that you inquire so closely?
Claudio
Can the world buy such a jewel?
Could the whole world purchase such a jewel?
Benedick
Yea, and a case to put it into.
Yes, and a case to put it in.
But speak you this with a sad brow? or do you play the flouting Jack, to tell us Cupid is a good hare-finder and Vulcan a rare carpenter?
But do you say this with a straight face? Or are you playing the mocker, spinning hollow compliments?
Come, in what key shall a man take you, to go in the song?
Come — what register should a man use to join your tune?
Claudio
In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.
In my eyes she is the most beautiful lady I have ever seen.
Benedick
I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such matter: there’s her cousin, an she were not possessed with a fury, exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the last of December.
I can still see perfectly well without spectacles, and I see nothing remarkable — her cousin, if she were not possessed by a demon, surpasses her in beauty as much as the first of May surpasses the last of December.
But I hope you have no intent to turn husband, have you?
But I hope you have no intention of becoming a husband?
Claudio
I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the contrary, if Hero would be my wife.
I would hardly trust myself to hold to any oath I had sworn otherwise, if Hero would have me as her husband.
Benedick
Is’t come to this?
Has it come to this?
In faith, hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion?
Truly, is there not a single man left in the world who will not end up a suspicious husband?
Shall I never see a bachelor of three-score again?
Shall I never again see a bachelor of sixty?
Go to, i’ faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away Sundays.
Well then, in God’s name — if you insist on putting your neck in the marriage yoke, wear the mark of it and spend your Sundays sighing.
Look Don Pedro is returned to seek you.
Look — Don Pedro has come back looking for you.
Re-enter Don Pedro.
Don Pedro
What secret hath held you here, that you followed not to Leonato’s?
What secret has kept you here rather than following us to Leonato’s?
Benedick
I would your grace would constrain me to tell.
I wish your Grace would compel me to tell you.
Don Pedro
I charge thee on thy allegiance.
I command you, on your loyalty to me.
Benedick
You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb man; I would have you think so; but, on my allegiance, mark you this, on my allegiance.
You hear this, Count Claudio: I can be as silent as a mute — I would have you believe that — but, on my allegiance, note this carefully, on my allegiance:
He is in love.
He is in love.
With who? now that is your grace’s part.
With whom? — now that is your Grace’s line.
Mark how short his answer is;—With Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.
Mark how short his answer is: with Hero, Leonato’s diminutive daughter.
Claudio
If this were so, so were it uttered.
If it were true, it would be said outright.
Benedick
Like the old tale, my lord: ‘it is not so, nor ‘twas not so, but, indeed, God forbid it should be so.’
Like the old story, my lord: “It is not so, nor was it so, but God forbid it should be so.”
Claudio
If my passion change not shortly, God forbid it should be otherwise.
If my feelings do not change soon, God forbid it should be any other way.
Don Pedro
Amen, if you love her; for the lady is very well worthy.
Amen to that — if you truly love her, for the lady is very much worth it.
Claudio
You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.
You are saying this to draw me out, my lord.
Don Pedro
By my troth, I speak my thought.
On my honour, I speak exactly what I think.
Claudio
And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.
And in truth, my lord, so did I.
Benedick
And, by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.
And by my double honour and honesty, my lord, so did I.
Claudio
That I love her, I feel.
That I love her, I feel with certainty.
Don Pedro
That she is worthy, I know.
That she is worthy, I know for a fact.
Benedick
That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that fire cannot melt out of me: I will die in it at the stake.
That I neither feel any reason to love her nor know any reason she should be worthy — that is a conviction fire cannot burn out of me: I will die at the stake for it.
Don Pedro
Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty.
You have always been a stubborn heretic who refuses to worship beauty.
Claudio
And never could maintain his part but in the force of his will.
And he has never been able to hold that position except through sheer stubbornness.
Benedick
That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me.
That a woman bore me, I thank her; that she raised me, I likewise give her my humblest thanks — but as for having a cuckold’s horn sounded in my forehead, or hanging my bugle from an invisible baldric, all women must excuse me.
Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
Because I will not do women the wrong of distrusting any particular one, I will do myself the right of trusting none at all — and the upshot, which will let me live more finely for it, is that I will live a bachelor.
Don Pedro
I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
Before I die I shall see you pale with love.
Benedick
With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood with love than I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a ballad-maker’s pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel-house for the sign of blind Cupid.
With anger, with illness, or with hunger, my lord — not with love. If you can prove I ever lose more blood through love than I recover through drinking, put out my eyes with a ballad-writer’s pen and hang me at the door of a brothel as the sign of blind Cupid.
Don Pedro
Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou wilt prove a notable argument.
Well — if you ever fall from this conviction, you will make a famous example.
Benedick
If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me; and he that hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder, and called Adam.
If I do, hang me in a leather bottle like a cat and shoot at me — and whoever hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder and called Adam.
Don Pedro
Well, as time shall try: ‘In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.’
Well — as time will reveal: “In time even the savage bull bears the yoke.”
Benedick
The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my forehead: and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they write ‘Here is good horse to hire,’ let them signify under my sign ‘Here you may see Benedick the married man.’
The savage bull may — but if the sensible Benedick ever submits to it, pull the bull’s horns off and plant them on my forehead; paint me in the most unflattering colours; and in the same large letters they use to advertise “Good horse for hire,” have them write beneath my sign: “Here you may see Benedick the married man.”
Claudio
If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.
If that ever happened, you would be raving mad — or a cuckold, which amounts to the same thing.
Don Pedro
Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in Venice, thou wilt quake for this shortly.
If Cupid has any arrows left after spending them all in Venice, you will be shaking with love before long.
Benedick
I look for an earthquake too, then.
I had better brace for an earthquake while I am at it.
Don Pedro
Well, you temporize with the hours.
Well — you play for time.
In the meantime, good Signior Benedick, repair to Leonato’s: commend me to him and tell him I will not fail him at supper; for indeed he hath made great preparation.
In the meantime, good Signior Benedick, make your way to Leonato’s: give him my regards and tell him I will not fail him at supper — for he has made great preparations.
Benedick
I have almost matter enough in me for such an embassage; and so I commit you—
I have just about enough material in me for such an errand. And so I commend you —
Claudio
To the tuition of God: From my house, if I had it,—
To the care of God; from my house — if I had one —
Don Pedro
The sixth of July: Your loving friend, Benedick.
The sixth of July: your loving friend, Benedick.
Benedick
Nay, mock not, mock not.
No, do not mock, do not mock.
The body of your discourse is sometime guarded with fragments, and the guards are but slightly basted on neither: ere you flout old ends any further, examine your conscience: and so I leave you.
The substance of your conversation is sometimes trimmed with scraps of borrowed wit, and those trimmings are barely stitched on at that — before you fling any more old tags and sayings around, examine your conscience. And so I leave you.
Exit Benedick.
Claudio
My liege, your highness now may do me good.
My liege, your highness now has the power to do me a great kindness.
Don Pedro
My love is thine to teach: teach it but how,
And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn
Any hard lesson that may do thee good.
My devotion to you is yours to direct: just teach it how, and you will see how readily it learns any hard lesson that may serve you.
Claudio
Hath Leonato any son, my lord?
Has Leonato any son, my lord?
Don Pedro
No child but Hero; she’s his only heir.
Dost thou affect her, Claudio?
No child but Hero — she is his only heir. Do you love her, Claudio?
Claudio
O, my lord,
When you went onward on this ended action,
I look’d upon her with a soldier’s eye,
That liked, but had a rougher task in hand
Than to drive liking to the name of love:
Oh, my lord — when you marched away on the campaign just ended, I looked at her with a soldier’s eye: one that appreciated what it saw but had rougher business at hand than to turn a passing liking into love.
But now I am return’d and that war-thoughts
Have left their places vacant, in their rooms
Come thronging soft and delicate desires,
All prompting me how fair young Hero is,
Saying, I liked her ere I went to wars.
But now I am returned, and now that the war-thoughts have vacated their posts, in their place crowd soft and tender desires — all of them reminding me how beautiful young Hero is, and whispering that I liked her before I ever went to war.
Don Pedro
Thou wilt be like a lover presently
And tire the hearer with a book of words.
You are already sounding like a lover — and will soon exhaust your listener with a whole volume of words.
If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it,
And I will break with her and with her father,
And thou shalt have her.
If you love fair Hero, hold that feeling close, and I will open the matter with her and with her father, and you shall have her.
Was’t not to this end
That thou began’st to twist so fine a story?
Was that not the purpose of spinning out such a fine story just now?
Claudio
How sweetly you do minister to love,
That know love’s grief by his complexion!
How tenderly you attend to love — recognizing it by its complexion from having known its grief yourself.
But lest my liking might too sudden seem,
I would have salved it with a longer treatise.
But for fear that my attachment might seem too sudden, I had planned to smooth it over with a longer explanation.
Don Pedro
What need the bridge much broader than the flood?
The fairest grant is the necessity.
Look, what will serve is fit: ‘tis once, thou lovest,
And I will fit thee with the remedy.
What need is there for a bridge much wider than the water it crosses? The most gracious gift is simply giving what is needed. What will do the job is enough — once and simply: you love her, and I will arrange the remedy.
I know we shall have revelling to-night:
I will assume thy part in some disguise
And tell fair Hero I am Claudio,
And in her bosom I’ll unclasp my heart
And take her hearing prisoner with the force
And strong encounter of my amorous tale:
I know there will be a masked ball tonight. I will take your part in disguise and tell fair Hero I am Claudio, and in her ear I will open my heart and make her a prisoner of its telling with the force of my ardent declaration on your behalf.
Then after to her father will I break;
And the conclusion is, she shall be thine.
In practise let us put it presently.
Then afterward I will broach it with her father — and the conclusion is, she will be yours. Let us put it into practice at once.
Exeunt. — End of Act I, Scene I.